u-journal

Listening to BrainGell radio again, at the office. Good sound, good shit… really a big help for everyday staying-awake. I am feeling terribly full because of the giant lunch I got a couple of hours ago… I do not know why, but I am feeling so refresh of writting again… It could be sort, but it is refreshing, heheheheheheeee… Tonight there is no big plan… ok, actually, I do not know what a big plan is. Things seems to turn nice spontaneously… yesterday night I went to this monday’s reggae night, at ‘flute’… this bar very close the place where I am living now… Makati, hihihiiiiii Let’s say it was ok. It was strange, weird… for sure… The band - which was COOL - played a few songs and then stopped for a loooong intermision with techno music. FUCK MAKATI. Reggae concert packed of beautiful people… heheheeeee… Fuck, I have little things to do… I cannot bitch about my “job” anyway; working at any other place would probably be much more busy… and more serious, what the fuck. Spain will always be Spain there is no way of hiding the shit deep enough… it will always come out from some tiny black hole.

Again… again a long time without writing in the journal. Again feeling strange, not very located. Again in doubt of every single move I do, every single opinion I have. Probably my error is hoping that one day everything will be different. That may be my error. Every day feeling different, special for no reason. No, fuck. That is not real. What should I expect? Uffff, sometimes I just fall inside. Just… why do I write in English? Podria escribir en castellano… pero tengo que parecer mas de lo que soy???? That is a big problem… should find the way, the answer. Too early for being normal, here I am sitting at the salon of the apartment. Makati City - Philippines. I am having a piece of cheesecake - the best I have ever eaten. Stephany made it yesterday. I cooked some fish, locally named maya-maya. A good one. I took a recipe from the net and made it. It was good. Nothing special. But it is already next day. 26th year of my life, and still here. Um, I recognize I have forwarded some… but still in between… in between what I want and what I should and what the fucking people around pressure on me. Too much crying, too much apologizing. I remember Daniel, this amazing Swedish guy… Act… yeah that is what… acting. Errors come, but are… Weather is already stormy and gray. Wet, rainy. Dirty, floody. Nice to watch from away… from somewhere safe, dry. And nice for depression. For feeling the fucking weight of nothing. Nice title: “how to disappear completely”. That is what I am listening to now. I am kind of glad that I cannot understand the lyrics. I have to think more. Maybe. Or maybe not. But something will probably be welcome. Maybe filling this journal with shit too? Maybe, who knows. Possibilities lye ahead of me. That sentence seems to be something inside my mind, taken from somewhere… and sounds disgusting. Stop being angry at the world. Do your fucking way, calm… putting pressure away.